Easiness to Uneasiness

What happens when God or life moves us out of our comfort zone? I believe that Newton's first law of motion is being applied to my life. "A particle will stay at rest or continue at a constant velocity unless acted upon by an external unbalanced net force." Some might call that outside force the poor economy while I tend to think it is God giving me a little nudge. In 2007, I spent a good portion of the year creating a photographic diary of days and doing more writing than I had been. For most of 2008, I didn't do as much creative or personal writing, but I did write professionally reviewing restaurants and hotels. It seems to me that what started out as a slow year is beginning to explode with possibility and more writing than I have ever done before. My mind is an old-fashioned slide carousel clicking through each possibility wondering if I should bring that particular slide more into focus or continue to the next one because it could be even better than this one.

When Did Life Become Serious?

When did life become serious? I can pinpoint when life changed, when I grew up, but did life become serious at that point? I think it was a gradual change. One where responsibility for teaching children, worrying about bills, hating my neighborhood, wondering about the future, and not having time with my husband built up slowly from one little piece of clay to the next. By the age of 37, I had built not some beautiful masterpiece but an ugly, clunky urn. An urn with uneven walls and questionable contents. Don't misunderstand me, ugly can be beautiful. And, the process of building up anything in clay is a messy, hands-on experience with spiritual benefits which can be gained purely from the process rather than the result. But, after examining this clunky urn, it was clear that it needed to be smashed down into a ball again and rebuilt. I needed to take the old clay and, rather than discard it, form it into a more pleasing shape with a steadier foundation. The reformation started to take place in me after the realization that I needed to accept myself each day for who I am, with no regard for whether the house was clean or dirty, whether I had written my first novel or whether those around me were happy or not. Some might look at me and think that I am living in denial or dissociating from my present circumstances but that is just not the case.

Stifled and Stagnant

My mother always told me I was the best and always gave lip service to ideas that she had that I could do. I wasn't the best. In highschool there were 10 people ahead of me. Not a bad place to be, but not good enough for a full scholarship. At 39 years old, I stand here stifled, unable to move forward. I don't have anyone telling me I am the best anymore and honestly I don't think that was it exactly helpful. Perhaps it would've been helpful if there was training or classes to support becoming the best or becoming better at something but there weren't. My oldest sister was supported and given opportunities to become the best at what she wanted to do. I never thought I was jealous. I still don't think I am. I didn't see things that way. I took care of myself and did what I could do personally to achieve my goals. But, looking back now, there is a level of support that my sister received that I did not and I think it's mostly because my sister is very verbal and able to express what she needs and wants whereas I did not. My Mom figured since I was taking care of myself already, I must not need anything, I guess. She did at one point ask my stepfather to pay for ice skating lessons but rather than pick someplace nearby, she asked for the moon (lessons in DE where Olympic figure skaters train) and he, of course, said no. She didn't tell me this until many years later. It seems that I am unable to move from the point where I am at now. Doing the Artist's Way at the end of last year, I did feel a certain momentum but I have rolled to a complete stop. I don't know how to move forward and I don't even know where forward is.

Certain career paths, interests come into focus, as witnessed in this blog, but as easily as they present themselves they also quickly flutter away. Am I capable of sustained interest in any one thing?

Same old story, different day.

A New Year...

Perhaps I will officially start my new year at the start of the Chinese New Year. I am much calmer and balanced by that point than I am right after Christmas. So much of our family events are wrapped up in a 4 month span... we have two birthdays in December, one in January, two in March and two right at the beginning of April. (Really those three birthdays occur over a two week span) The photography business is crazy right up until Christmas and I've always felt the business is our 6th child. So, you see, I need the month of January to settle down and yet to also plan for the upcoming birthdays. I feel blessed each year that our Chinese American friend invites us to her family's annual Chinese New Year dinner. So, this year I think I will wait until then to ponder life. In the meantime, I do have a few goals I'd like to accomplish this year...

1) Figure out what i want to be when I grow up
2) Follow God's leading. I am constantly getting little messages and signs leading me down a path that I am unsure I want to travel but I am curious to see where that particular path leads me.
3) Extend grace to myself. I am who I am.
4) I'd like to write in this blog more regularly.
5) I'd like to do something creative each day and document it like the 365 blogs.
6) I think I might do a 365 blog of all Zach (Would that get boring?)

Things I am thankful for so far this year:
1) An extended visit with my older sister and her son right after Christmas.
2) Having a few good irl and online friends.
3) A hardworking husband who loves me
4) Five healthy children
5) Possibilities

Identity

This week in counseling was based on decompressing from being with my family. Family meaning my Mom, my brother, my younger sister, and my stepfather. After spending time with them I had the realization that any disagreement with my Mom is viewed as arguing with her as opposed to holding a different viewpoint. My position in the family order is that of the rebellious child. But, I don't think I was specifically rebellious. My counselor views my "rebellion" as my way of surviving in what is a very dysfunctional family. In fact, not wanting others to tell me what to do and standing up for myself is an integral part of my identity according to him. Dr. A believes that if I were to ignore that part of my personality that I would basically lose myself. He even asked me how I thought I turned out so good coming from the background I have been telling him. How my "rebellion" plays out in adult life is tricky. It means I don't want anyone else telling me what to do or suggesting what they think I should do. Part of me feels that probably everyone feels this way about being told what to do but I guess for me it is even more crucial.

I also realized this weekend that I experience anger as a result of feeling rejected. Having this self awareness made me realize that anger isn't the exact feeling that I should be acknowledging because underneath that anger is sadness. My initial reaction to the rejection was anger and wanting to sever ties with those causing that feeling. I doubt I would have had this self awareness if I hadn't been in counseling for the past six months.

Initial Thoughts on Autism...

I am reading a book that Ampersand loaned to me written by a man with high functioning autism. I am finding that I relate to some of how he processes ideas, words, sounds, images, etc. It really makes me want everyone to write out how their thought processes work because I think it would run the gamut. Anyway, one thing he writes about is how noises surrounding him can make him reach the point where he feels like his head is going to explode. I have definitely felt that way and normally feel that way by the end of the night. Another thing he writes about is getting lost. He has an encyclopedic brain yet gets lost very easily. Me too. If I drive the same route for a year but quit driving that direction for another year, I have a hard time remembering the route minus routes that I have taken over and over again for the past 15-20 years off and on. I still have to question and think to myself everytime I take the turnpike to my husband's parents house which direction I should go. I panic before that "y" where there is no turning back.

Well, I have more thoughts on the book but have to go for now.