I've spent most of my life feeling like an outsider. Part of this is due to how one sibling treated me as a child. It's not her fault, it is just the way kids act when they have zero supervision. I learned then that what I had to say was irrelevant because someone else would always ignore me, talk over me, not listen to me. It's taken me years to combat that feeling and just when I feel that I have overcome it, I end up crying in my counselor's office over things that happened to me over 25 years ago.
The loss of my real life community this summer and my internet community this winter have left me with two gaping holes. I keep trying to fill those holes but somehow the patch isn't good enough or the cement is taking too long to "set". What am I looking for? What can fill those holes? Writing it out the answer seems obvious... God. But, God, why does it have to hurt? Why do I have to feel not interesting enough, exciting enough, good enough to be someone else's friend? I wish God would answer that question or perhaps he has. I am reading a book by Larry Crabb all about how God allows different things to happen in order for us to dig down below the crap inside of us and find that place inside our heart that can't be filled by anything else other than God. Maybe that's where I am.