Simple Pleasure #3

Sudoku...

During my last road trip I bought a $6 Sudoku book at a truck station. I've always loved number games and puzzles so Sudoku is right up my alley. While working the puzzles during the last half of our drive I could feel neglected neural pathways (to use a Star Trek term) slowly reviving to rise to the challenge of discovering patterns and eliminating options. Here it is less than a week later and my speed has increased doublefold. I feel like Sudoku is one more way to train my mind in the hope of not losing my mental acuity as I age.

I was wrong...

If you saw my previous post in this place... I was wrong, luckily... privacy still intact. Phew!

Identity

This week in counseling was based on decompressing from being with my family. Family meaning my Mom, my brother, my younger sister, and my stepfather. After spending time with them I had the realization that any disagreement with my Mom is viewed as arguing with her as opposed to holding a different viewpoint. My position in the family order is that of the rebellious child. But, I don't think I was specifically rebellious. My counselor views my "rebellion" as my way of surviving in what is a very dysfunctional family. In fact, not wanting others to tell me what to do and standing up for myself is an integral part of my identity according to him. Dr. A believes that if I were to ignore that part of my personality that I would basically lose myself. He even asked me how I thought I turned out so good coming from the background I have been telling him. How my "rebellion" plays out in adult life is tricky. It means I don't want anyone else telling me what to do or suggesting what they think I should do. Part of me feels that probably everyone feels this way about being told what to do but I guess for me it is even more crucial.

I also realized this weekend that I experience anger as a result of feeling rejected. Having this self awareness made me realize that anger isn't the exact feeling that I should be acknowledging because underneath that anger is sadness. My initial reaction to the rejection was anger and wanting to sever ties with those causing that feeling. I doubt I would have had this self awareness if I hadn't been in counseling for the past six months.

Been Away...

I do intend to start to update this blog regularly again but time and computer access have limited me these past few weeks. I am scheduled to leave again this upcoming week so it may be awhile before I get to say a real word about anything. I have thoughts brewing.