This week in counseling was based on decompressing from being with my family. Family meaning my Mom, my brother, my younger sister, and my stepfather. After spending time with them I had the realization that any disagreement with my Mom is viewed as arguing with her as opposed to holding a different viewpoint. My position in the family order is that of the rebellious child. But, I don't think I was specifically rebellious. My counselor views my "rebellion" as my way of surviving in what is a very dysfunctional family. In fact, not wanting others to tell me what to do and standing up for myself is an integral part of my identity according to him. Dr. A believes that if I were to ignore that part of my personality that I would basically lose myself. He even asked me how I thought I turned out so good coming from the background I have been telling him. How my "rebellion" plays out in adult life is tricky. It means I don't want anyone else telling me what to do or suggesting what they think I should do. Part of me feels that probably everyone feels this way about being told what to do but I guess for me it is even more crucial.
I also realized this weekend that I experience anger as a result of feeling rejected. Having this self awareness made me realize that anger isn't the exact feeling that I should be acknowledging because underneath that anger is sadness. My initial reaction to the rejection was anger and wanting to sever ties with those causing that feeling. I doubt I would have had this self awareness if I hadn't been in counseling for the past six months.