Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Stifled and Stagnant

My mother always told me I was the best and always gave lip service to ideas that she had that I could do. I wasn't the best. In highschool there were 10 people ahead of me. Not a bad place to be, but not good enough for a full scholarship. At 39 years old, I stand here stifled, unable to move forward. I don't have anyone telling me I am the best anymore and honestly I don't think that was it exactly helpful. Perhaps it would've been helpful if there was training or classes to support becoming the best or becoming better at something but there weren't. My oldest sister was supported and given opportunities to become the best at what she wanted to do. I never thought I was jealous. I still don't think I am. I didn't see things that way. I took care of myself and did what I could do personally to achieve my goals. But, looking back now, there is a level of support that my sister received that I did not and I think it's mostly because my sister is very verbal and able to express what she needs and wants whereas I did not. My Mom figured since I was taking care of myself already, I must not need anything, I guess. She did at one point ask my stepfather to pay for ice skating lessons but rather than pick someplace nearby, she asked for the moon (lessons in DE where Olympic figure skaters train) and he, of course, said no. She didn't tell me this until many years later. It seems that I am unable to move from the point where I am at now. Doing the Artist's Way at the end of last year, I did feel a certain momentum but I have rolled to a complete stop. I don't know how to move forward and I don't even know where forward is.

Certain career paths, interests come into focus, as witnessed in this blog, but as easily as they present themselves they also quickly flutter away. Am I capable of sustained interest in any one thing?

Same old story, different day.


Sandie said...

Please do whatever you can to get yourself a copy of the book "The four day win" by Martha Beck and then read it all the way through, then og back to do the exercises. She has another one too "Finding Your Own North Star: Claiming the Life You Were Meant to Live" I am getting ready to read that one, but I cannot tell you how much I needed to hear what she had to say.
1) I also have a sister, I didn't think I was jealous of..even know it is hard to think of it that way, but somedays I resent the hell out of her, the different ways we were raised, and the life she gets to lead now. 2) I am still trying to figure out what it is I 'really should be doing' I love working with the kids, but somedays it feel like I am only helping them one at a time when I should be 'doing more' or 'being better at it' 3) and I also need lots of variety, I don't have the attention span to do the same thing for very long, I guess that is why working with teens who also have short attention spans works for me :) 4) Like you I will do something for someone else long before I will do it for me! (((hugs)))

SusansPlace said...

HUGS! I know what you mean about figuring out a direction, starting and then running out of steam. I think we have the personality that is interested in lots of things and have trouble settling on one. I think Lisa S. is like that too. Didn't we discuss this trait at Trapdoor?

Perhaps it is because we have full plates as it is(big families) and other personal issues... but just today I felt I should start back on my novel. I haven't started yet....

Keep plugging away, the timing will be right one of these day.

Love you,