My mother always told me I was the best and always gave lip service to ideas that she had that I could do. I wasn't the best. In highschool there were 10 people ahead of me. Not a bad place to be, but not good enough for a full scholarship. At 39 years old, I stand here stifled, unable to move forward. I don't have anyone telling me I am the best anymore and honestly I don't think that was it exactly helpful. Perhaps it would've been helpful if there was training or classes to support becoming the best or becoming better at something but there weren't. My oldest sister was supported and given opportunities to become the best at what she wanted to do. I never thought I was jealous. I still don't think I am. I didn't see things that way. I took care of myself and did what I could do personally to achieve my goals. But, looking back now, there is a level of support that my sister received that I did not and I think it's mostly because my sister is very verbal and able to express what she needs and wants whereas I did not. My Mom figured since I was taking care of myself already, I must not need anything, I guess. She did at one point ask my stepfather to pay for ice skating lessons but rather than pick someplace nearby, she asked for the moon (lessons in DE where Olympic figure skaters train) and he, of course, said no. She didn't tell me this until many years later. It seems that I am unable to move from the point where I am at now. Doing the Artist's Way at the end of last year, I did feel a certain momentum but I have rolled to a complete stop. I don't know how to move forward and I don't even know where forward is.
Certain career paths, interests come into focus, as witnessed in this blog, but as easily as they present themselves they also quickly flutter away. Am I capable of sustained interest in any one thing?
Same old story, different day.