Sunday, April 1, 2007

Funerals and Fathers...

Funerals for a person that you didn't have a close relationship or next to no relationship are just plain weird. Yesterday, we attended a funeral for my step-grandmother whom I hadn't seen in probably ten years at least. Before then, I rarely saw here anyway... maybe for Christmas here and there. My stepfather "left" us right around the time I graduated from highschool. Yet, I've maintained a relationship with him and my Mom has never divorced him. In the meantime, he apparently had a girlfriend the whole time he was married to my Mom and it was that girlfriend that he attended yesterdays funeral with. My younger sister, his biological daughter couldn't attend the funeral because she is in her last few weeks of college before graduating and doesn't live nearby. It was a weird day. I met my stepfather's cousins that I've never met before in my life. And, his girlfriend thought it was appropriate to carry on multiple conversations with me. I've only met her once before in my life. I can't say that I felt any sadness and I wondered what I will feel when my stepfather passes away. Will I be sad? Will I miss him? Or, will I only feel greed and wonder what he's left to me? It feels awful to type that out but I can't predict how I will feel. I attended my biological father's funeral two years ago and that was also weird because I didn't have a relationship with him either. I felt guilt more than anything because he had tried calling me once or twice a couple days before he died and I hadn't returned his calls. I was always uncomfortable having conversations with him on the phone because there was so little to talk about and I had always had a hard time deciphering what he was saying due to his thick Midwestern accent and the fact that he may have been drinking before he called. So, here I have two separate men, both fathers in some way. One that has always showed that he cared through gifts and financial support and one that never showed he care except for the random, out of the blue phone call. Neither provided emotional support.

The plus is that I have a father in heaven that one day when I prayed and told him I have no father, I opened my Bible to the exact page where it says, "Abba- I am your Father."

Thanks for the direct message, Father. I still remember it.


Ampersand said...

Many mixed feelings in this post...I so father-daughter relationship is cloudy too.

Jess logic said...

The bible says he is Father to the fatherless. You were fatherless in ways I suppose, even though you dad was still around, he wasn't really, and your step-father filled the role some, but not quite.